Chasing Circumstance Read online

  “Talk? How about you listen for a change?” I stood over him, staring into his eyes. “First, you fill my head with how everything is going to be perfect between us, and when I don’t move here in the time slot you wanted, you break my heart. You send me an email and tell me you only used me to feel loved while mourning your father’s death. Used me? Really?! You didn’t even have the decency to call me! You broke up with me via fucking email! Then I show up here, and somehow we’re able to get past all the pain you caused me and have an inconceivably wonderful time. In the end, just as I fell in love with you again, you turn around and slap me in the face with the undeniable fact you are married? How am I supposed to ever trust you again? How do I know you’re not using me now in an attempt to feel something other than loneliness at the end of your marriage? Hell, what am I saying? Your marriage hasn’t even ended! I was a goddamned fool to believe you!” My fury culminated into venomous words that rolled off my tongue as though I had been rehearsing it. This was not a part of the script I had prepared. Nothing could have prepared me for this.

  I stood there for a moment waiting for his reaction but all he did was drop his head. “That’s what I thought. You have nothing to say because there is nothing you can say to make this better. You claim to be Buddhist and live an honest life but all I hear is lies! You, dear Stuart, bring shame to everything you claim to believe in and are a hypocrite of the worst kind!” I picked up my bag, opened the door, and slammed it behind me.

  Jeffrey was waiting for me when I got downstairs. It wasn’t until I was safely inside the privacy of the car that I allowed myself to cry. Pulling my phone from my bag, I called Jo and told her everything that had just happened. We talked the entire drive back to the hotel. When we hung up, I was feeling better and knew it was time to let it go. I just wasn’t quite ready to do that.

  Pulling up in front of the hotel, I told Jeffrey I would not be in need of his services again until I had to leave for the airport the following morning. There was no need to explain any further. I knew he had overheard my conversation with Jo and understood the situation at hand.

  I walked with my head down through the hotel lobby and entered the elevator that brought me to my suite. I didn’t want anyone to see the tears flowing down my face. I felt like a fool and needed some time to put things into perspective before I could move on.

  I spent the rest of the day packing my belongings and making sure I didn’t leave anything behind. Finding the lingerie I was supposed to wear for Stuart, I realized I hadn’t even gotten a chance to wear it for him. Picking it up along with the t-shirt I had accidentally taken of his, I threw them both in the trash can. I then ordered three bottles of sweet red wine from room service and a plate of chocolate covered strawberries to help me forget my troubles. While waiting for room service to be delivered, I ran a bubble bath, and prepared myself for the cleansing of emotion that was about to take place. I needed to wash the ugliness from my soul and leave it in Scotland where it belonged.

  When the wine and berries were delivered, I tipped the server, thanked him, and closed the door. I didn’t bother to remove the tray from the cart but instead wheeled it into the bathroom and placed it next to the tub where I could easily reach it. Looking at myself in the full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door, I let my robe fall to the floor along with my tears.

  I turned on the stereo in the bathroom and chose a station that played nothing but slow songs. I knew if I wanted to get it all out, the best way to do that was to lose myself in music and wine… Lots of wine. I poured myself a glass before stepping into the warm waters of the bath.

  It didn’t take me long to go through the first bottle of wine and start the second one. I was beginning to feel the effects when a familiar song played on the radio and I sang along with it at the top of my lungs. “You fooled me once with your bitter lies, broke my heart and left me to die. Your words are like arrows straight through my heart, and now I sit here falling apart.”

  I sat in the bath until I finished the second bottle of wine and realized I had better get out before I wasn’t capable of standing. Snatching the towel from the side of the tub, I wrapped it around me without bothering to dry off first. I stepped from the bath onto the mat and looked at myself in the mirror again. Nope, the wine and music hadn’t helped. I still looked like a broken woman. It was at that moment I realized I had to release my feelings into the anonymity of cyberspace. It was time to write in my blog.

  “Dear You,

  In answer to the questions I posed in yesterday’s entry: No, you will never receive the answer to “why”. You cannot trust a path that has been forged through a forest haunted by ghosts of your past. No matter how much sunlight shines upon the lies in your life, they are still lies.

  Do not allow your heart to be fooled by the silly sentiments of a young girl’s dreams, but instead, grant yourself permission to be led by the knowledge of a grown woman’s mind. When you find that you are walking down a familiar, darkened tunnel, do not force yourself toward the light, but instead, turn around and change the bulb.

  So tonight, dear readers, I leave you with instruction instead of a question…

  Forge your own path and do not allow anyone to sway your from what you know is your destiny.

  ~ Amia”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  “Welcome home, Amia!” Jo met me in baggage claim at the airport when I arrived. “I was going to send a driver, but I missed you so much that I couldn’t wait to see you! Did you bring me a present?” She hugged me tight and kissed my cheek.

  “Hi and of course I brought you a gift, but are you sure you deserve it?” I laughed as I answered her question and hugged her back. “Can I get my bags first, please?” We stood there watching the baggage go around in circles on the conveyor belt waiting to spot my luggage. When I saw it come through the rubber curtain, I picked it up and followed Jo out to her car. “How do you get away with parking in the drop off zone and not get towed?” I asked her when I saw where she was parked.

  “I tipped the guy over there to keep an eye on it for me.” She nodded toward one of the attendants at the door as she spoke.

  Laughing, I shook my head and put my bags in the trunk of her car. “I don’t know how I ended up having to purchase another suitcase to bring everything home. I didn’t pilfer that much from the hotel.”

  Jo and I laughed together as we got into her car and drove away. It felt so good to be home and in the company of my best friend. Jo was the one person in this world I could count on.

  “So, tell me all about it and don’t leave out a single detail.” Jo’s tone was full of excitement as she began her interrogation.

  “How about we head to Brady’s for a drink or five, and I fill you in there? After such a long flight I could use a French 75, and I am sure there is a Bellini there with your name on it.” I used the suggestion to distract Jo from her question in order to allow myself some time to just breathe before I rehashed the details of my trip. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell her everything, but I had just gotten home, and I wanted to not think… To not feel, for just a little while. I was exhausted from the long flight and had just started to recuperate from the whole thing with Stuart. Though it still weighed heavy on my heart, I knew I had to let it go, and being home with Jo would help with that.

  We walked arm in arm into Brady’s and Jo announced, “My girl’s home! The next round of drinks is on me to celebrate!” A loud cheer rose from the patrons as we sat in our normal spots at the end of the bar.

  “Welcome home, Miss Amia.” Chace sat our drinks on napkins in front of us, and with a shy smile on his face, winked at me.

  “Why, thank you, Chace.” I picked up the glass, took a sip, and set it back down on the bar.

  “I know you have a lot of catching up to do, so I’ll leave the two of you alone. Let me know if you need anything else.” Chace threw a towel over his shoulder, chuckled, and walked away before I could answer him.

  “S
o, are you ready to tell me all about it?” Jo sucked down her drink and ordered a second one for each of us.

  “Sure, I’ve already told you what happened with Stuart. I would rather not go over all that again if that’s alright with you?” I sipped my drink and waited for our second round.

  Chace walked over to us, sat our drinks on the counter and said, “Don’t stop on my account. After all, I’m a bartender and part of my job is to listen and offer advice.” He stood their smiling at me.

  “Were you also equipped with supersonic hearing?” The sarcasm left my lips before my brain could stop it.

  “Yep, I can hear a cricket fart from a mile away.” Again, he winked at me and smiled as he answered my question.

  “How charming.” I rolled my eyes. “Now, if you wouldn’t mind, I was talking with my friend.” Grinning, I turned the barstool away from Chace and looked at Jo. She was unusually quiet and just smiled at me.

  “Nope, don’t mind at all. Feel free to continue on with your conversation. As I said, don’t let me stop you.” Chace leaned on his elbows, inches away from us and listened intently.

  “Did you enjoy the accommodations?” Realizing we would never continue our conversation unless she took control of it, Jo started in again with the questions.

  “Oh my goodness, yes! Jo, you could have booked me in any room you wanted, and I would have been happy, but the penthouse suite at the Blythswood? You could have knocked me over with a feather when the doors of the private elevator opened! There was so much space! More than I knew what to do with! The décor was astonishingly beautiful! There was a private terrace that overlooked the rooftops of the city! The bathroom… OH MY GOD! The bathroom was beyond remarkable. You could easily have fit two people side by side in that tub!” I babbled on with so much enthusiasm I had almost forgotten that Chace was there.

  “Huh, two people you say? Sounds like my kind of party.” Chace interrupted my description of the suite with his idea of humor. I looked at him, rolled my eyes and smiled a sassy, flirtatious smile before continuing with my story as if he had said nothing.

  “My first night in Scotland, I had dinner at Martin Wishart at Loch Lomond in Balloch. It was set against the mountains and had gorgeous views of the water. The food was indescribably decadent! I had razor clams topped with cauliflower cream sauce and king oyster mushrooms with sauce grand veneur for the main course, and followed it up with a lemon curd smothered with fresh passion fruit jelly that was made in-house. I’ve never tasted anything like it before.” I stopped to take a breath and finish my drink before I continued filling in Jo on all the details.

  “That’s because you’ve never had my cooking.” Chace turned to make Jo and I each another drink.

  “You’re still here? Don’t you have a job to do or something?” Smiling to ensure him I was only joking, I spoke to Chace as he handed us our third round of drinks.

  “Amia, can’t you see the man is interested in your Scottish adventures? He was kind enough to keep me company while you were away, you should be kind enough to regale him with your stories.” Jo smirked and winked at me as if to signal me to go ahead and spill all the juicy details I had to share.

  “And anyway, Miss Amia, I am doing my job. I’m pouring you drinks and listening to your stories. That’s what I’m paid for.” Again, Chace leaned on his elbows on the bar and looked at me.

  “Maybe I should tell your boss he doesn’t give you enough to do, because you seem to have a lot of spare time on your hands.” Feeling the drinks starting to go to my head, I giggled at my own suggestion.

  “You could try, but I hear he’s not an easy man to take a meeting with.” Chace poured himself a shot of vodka and raised it in a toast, “Here’s to the memories we create, the shadows that pass, and the sunshine we let in.” He clinked his glass against ours, drank the vodka in one swallow, and sat his glass on the bar.

  I stopped laughing and addressed Chace, “How did you come up with that toast?” It was very similar to the words I had written in my blog and startled me for a moment. Had he somehow discovered my online ranting?

  “Just something I read somewhere, I guess.” He winked at me before turning around and walking to the other end of the bar to tend to customers.

  I swung around and questioned Jo. “Did you tell him about my blog? And what do you mean he kept you company while I was away? Just how friendly did the two of you get?”

  “No, of course not. I wouldn’t ever break your confidence like that. You shouldn’t even have to ask me that question!” Jo seemed upset I had questioned her loyalty to our friendship. “And don’t get your panties in a bunch. We simply hung out here at the bar a couple of nights talking about how much I missed you. I know you have a crush on Chace and would never cross that line.” Jo finished her drink and sat the empty glass on the counter. “Are you ready for round four?” I could tell I had offended her.

  “Please, allow me to get the next round.” I reached for my wallet when she stopped me.

  “No, you’re home, we’re celebrating and I’m paying. Maybe I should talk to your boss about how much you make. You seem to have a lot of spare cash lying around.” She smiled at me to let me know everything was okay. “I love you, Amia.” Jo reached over and hugged me.

  “I love you too.” I squeezed her a little tighter to let her know I was sorry for assuming anything.

  “Now, how about we have another drink?” Jo raised her empty glass to signal Chace to bring us another round.

  Just as Chace was making our drinks, the door opened and in walked Sam with the blonde woman from reception in tow.

  “Well, look who it is! Hello, Amia! How was the land down under?” It appeared that Sam had already been drinking. He swayed from side to side as he stood there talking to us and Miss Blondie had to help hold him up.

  “Hello, Sam. I have no idea how the people in Australia are doing, I didn’t go there.” Rolling my eyes in downright disgust, I turned around in my seat and attempted to ignore him.

  “What the fuck? You’re gonna dog me out like that? So, where the fuck did you go?” Sam stepped around to the direction I was facing. I knew at that moment, not only by his stature, but also by his choice of language, that he was drunk… Really drunk.

  “Sam, I went to Scotland and it was very productive. The meeting went well, the clients loved the presentation, and I was able to take in a bit of the culture. All in all, it was a great success.” I spoke through clenched teeth. “Now, if you would be so kind as to excuse us, Jo and I were in the middle of a conversation.” I feigned a smile in his direction.

  “Hey, isn’t that where that ex of yours lives? The one that dumped you via email?” Sam snorted loudly as he laughed his way through his questions.

  “If it was any of your concern, yes, Sam, that’s where he lives. Now, be sure to run along and pass that to the rumor mill at work to really give them something to talk about.” I had about had it with him already. “You know what? I even saw him when I was there and fucked the shit out of him before I dumped his lying ass!” Closing my eyes, I thought to myself, ‘Shit, did I really just yell that?’ Gathering my thoughts again, I added, “There’s a bit more for you to pass around. I mean, if you’re going to spread rumors, they might as well be good ones.” That was the best cover I could come up with at the spur of the moment.

  “Yeah right, you expect me to believe that of you? You’re way too much of a prude to do something like that. Nice try though.” He looked at me and then at Jo. “Have a good night ladies. This pretty little thing and I only stopped in for a night cap before we head to my place and make the beast with two backs.” Sam and his lady friend walked away as though they had just put us in our places.

  “Ugh, can you believe him?” I looked at Jo and waited for her reaction, but she didn’t say anything. “Jo, are you alright? You’ve been unusually quiet this evening. I really thought you would have had something to say to Sam about his behavior.” I picked up my drink, finished it o
ff, and motioned to Chace to bring us two more. I didn’t normally drink this much, but under the circumstances, I felt it was called for.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” Jo followed suit, finishing her Bellini and setting the glass on the counter. “I did someone stupid while you were away.” She looked down at her hands.

  “Wait; did you say someone or something?” I looked in her direction and tapped my fingers against the bar.

  “Someone… Don’t judge me too harshly! I was lonely!” Jo put her hand over mine to stop me from tapping the bar.

  “What? No! You didn’t! Him? Really?” I had a difficult time even imagining that scenario let alone putting the words together into one cohesive sentence.

  “Can we just drop it? You have my word, it won’t happen again.” Jo raised two fingers on her left hand and crossed her heart with her right hand as if swearing a vow.

  “EW! Just EW!” I looked at her out of the corner of my eyes and started laughing. “Okay, okay… But EW!” Chace brought us our fifth round of drinks as we concluded that icky conversation.

  “What? Did you see a bug or something?” He looked around to see what we were talking about.

  “Yeah, a giant cockroach just went that way.” I laughed as I nodded in Sam’s direction. Jo and I both burst out laughing at the mental image of Sam being a roach.

  “I swear, he’s in here every other night with a different woman. Guys like that give us good guys a bad rep.” Chace looked at Sam and shook his head in disgust. “So, is it true? Did you really see your ex when you were in Scotland?” Chace poured himself another glass of vodka and drank it. “And what you said to Sam, you were just kidding with him, right?” He then poured himself his third drink and slammed it back.

  “Why, Chace, do I detect a hint of jealousy?” I put on my prettiest smile and flirted across the bar at him. “Yes, I saw him because he works for the company I made the presentation to. Any more information than that is on a need to know basis, and you are not on my list of people that need to know.” I winked at him as I sipped at my drink.